I just get so tired...

Monday through Friday I am a mother hen to 5 to 6 children. I really love all the kids so much but by the time they get picked up each day I am so tired. Mentally, emotionally and physically tired. By the time Friday rolls around, I don't want anyone talking to me or touching me or asking for anything, yet, I still have a husband and a daughter and a house and pet and a mom that need looking after as well. I try eating right and getting enough rest (yeah right) and exercising but that doesn't seem to help much. I just get so tired and yet I love it. I love being a mom and having people to love and be loved by in return. I love how rewarding it is to watch all the children grow and hear them tell me they love me. The grind of life gets me down sometimes but the rewards are so much greater...thank goodness.

Fun

Sometimes I make noise (like humming, whistling, or the odd verbal comments) just to bug my husband. It's fun. When we were dating he was all politeness but after the wedding...

It's sometimes as if he is making up for being an only child by the way he teases, pokes, tickles and junk like that and it drives me absolutely bananas! I tell him I already have a brother and yet he keeps on with it. Ugh! I finally one day just hauled off and hit him the way I did my brother back in the day to give him a taste of having a sibling. He didn't like that at all. I explained why after the fact and there has been a lot less 'sibling' behavior....but once in a while he'll poke at me...and I make noise in return. Then everyone is happy. It's fun.

A Mote In My Eye

No matter how disappointed I may be in one of my friend's life choices, I have to acknowledge that no matter how I may be staring at the "mote" in my friend's eye, I have one also...just comprised of different materials.

Nap time in the daycare

I love nap time. It is usually within an hour after lunch time. The kids are tired from playing outside and sleepy with a full tummy. I have to go in the nap room to remind them that I don't mind if they don't sleep but it is a time to rest so "close your eyes and please be quiet" and after the second reminder they tend to drift off. I use that time to tidy up the kitchen and then read, or nap myself, or use the bathroom interruption free (they tend to take turns knocking to ask why I am taking so long...and it's only been a minute or that's when they all decide it's time to get into something off limits or fight each other). Then I check on the kids about every 20 minutes or so...they are so peaceful and angelic in a state of slumber. Nap time lasts anywhere from 30 to 60 minutes. Rachel is always up first. I love to snuggle each one for a couple of minutes as they drift into the living room rubbing their sleepy eyes. I love nap time.

A Testimony from my heart for my friend.

I love the fullness of the gospel. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints was not always what I was into until I was about 20 years old. I had a change of heart and decided to investigate most religions including the one I was a member of and through my journey discovered my testimony. I came to realize there truly is only one church on this earth that holds ALL the keys to the fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ as He intended for us to live and it was all found in the LDS church.

A couple of years ago I became friends with someone through my current job. When we met she said she was LDS. I just assumed she was active in the church. As our friendship has developed I have discovered a fun, responsible, good person and she is a good mother to her children. Which is why it saddens me to have come to realize how in-active she really is...I even wonder if she ever had a testimony. Living the gospel can bring such peace and fulfillment. I see her trying to fill her life with men that aren't good for her and personal activities like going shopping on the Sabbath or things that harm her body (like not eating healthy, drinking coffee every day, thinking "relaxing" is in a glass of wine, getting a tatoo). As if any of these things could fulfill her somehow.

I am not trying to judge and I know I am far from perfect. I am just trying to convey that my heart aches for her missing out on something so wonderful as having the gospel being an integral part of daily life and I ache all the more for her children who are missing out on it's wonder as well. I am at a loss as to how to perhaps share my testimony with her with out it coming across as self righteous or judgmental. I know she was very close to her mother, who passed away shortly before I met my friend. I want to share the Plan of Salvation and how she can live with her mother again, as a family, but her current lifestyle choices may forever prevent her from such an eternal happiness.

I have learned over the years that it is difficult to live life with an eternal perspective. I even struggle with it often which is why I don't do all that I know I should and worry if I will 'make it' to live in God's presence again but I keep trying and praying for the strength to get there. I know in my heart and mind that God lives; He hears our prayers and cares; that our mistakes are our own until we learn how to exercise the gift of repentance; that he is a forgiving Heavenly Father. I know our choices can have grave or wonderful consequences not only for ourselves but to those all around us because of the gift of agency from Heavenly Father. He gave us a Savior to give us the chance to choose goodness so we can live in His presence with our families again after this mortal life. I have had incredible experiences to prove to me these things are true beyond doubt.

I know all this to be true, which is why I worry for myself, my loved ones, and my friends -and really, worry for everyone. This testimony is why I chose to serve a mission and hope to serve again someday. This testimony is what gets me out of my pajamas on a Sunday morning when being lazy for one day of the week is so tempting but I know I need to pass on the goodness of the gospel and its importance to my daughter and future children and gives me a chance to renew my covenants made at baptism and in the temple by partaking of the sacrament.

All this is so important, more than anything else in this life, so why is it so hard to share with the ones we love most?

Children

I really love little children but sometimes they give me a headache.

Pregnancy vs Adoption

I don't have much to say....

Sometimes I yearn to be pregnant to just know what it's like with all the aches pains and joys of it all...yet, after hearing all the horror stories of childbirth, watching the pains of labor at Rachel's birth and listening and reading about all the physical problems of pregnancy...I have come to realize that my Heavenly Father know's me for the wimp that I am and has spared me -and led me to adoption. Thank you to my Heavenly Father and to the incredible women who carry those babies and a special thank you to my dear daughter's birth mother. I look forward to adopting again.

Getting Older

OY! I am going to be 36 years old this Saturday. I feel like I was wobbling on the edge of youth and now will be on the side of this much closer to 40. Forty!!! Now only a hop, skip, and a jump away. *big sigh* I have been complaining about getting older since my 5th birthday but now I think I mean it. On the upside...still alive and kicking. Sheesh. Instead of saying I am now nearly 40 I should be saying I will ONLY be a mere 36. Right?

Keeping in touch

I have been keeping in touch with Rachel's birthmother since the adoption over 3 years ago. It is an interesting friendship that most people don't understand but that's okay, they don't have too. I feel like she is more than a friend...more like family yet I am kind of glad she lives so far away. It's its own little oxymoron of sorts.

Anyway, recently she shared some very personal info about her marital problems that I found very disturbing and upsetting. I want to help so much and called her bishop to ask if he would get involved too. She was upset at first yet within the same day she forgave me. She is so amazing. I pray her situation improves and she receives the guidance and assistance needed to get her through these trials.

I don't feel like writing much about it all...just had to write something down somewhere.

For anyone reading this...you may not know her or her name but please include her in your prayers. Thank you.

The Olympics

In photo: my Mom and my Nonna

I get so sentimental during the Olympics. My grandmother, whom we called Nonna (it's Italian), loved watching Olympic events. She would be glued to her television during that time. If we wanted to spend any time with her during the Olympic season we would have to plunk ourselves down beside her and watch it too. I miss her so much yet all the more during the Olympics. *sigh*

Day Care

I love my job. I also love having the weekend off. Watching 8 children Monday through Friday is rewarding but it is definitely work. I can appreciate and am in awe of parents who have that many or more kids. They don't get time off. Being a parent is 24/7. I may love the kids but caring for them also causes me to appreciate having only one at the end of the day. I wouldn't mind having one or two more but no more than that. Daycare is enough. It fulfills that desire in me I once had to have 6 kids. I love to watch them physically and mentally grow. They are so amazing. I think being their care provider is a gift. It is amazing to be given the chance to watch them teach each other and discover things on their own and meet each milestone-holding their own bottle, crawling, talking, walking, running, playing and the list goes on.

Shopping

Hello, my name is Amanda and I am a shopaholic. It all started with a pack of gum as a child and then I moved on to quarter toy dispenser which of course led to the harder stuff. I am in recovery. I had it really bad in my late teens and early twenties. I wasn't allowed to leave on a mission at 21 until I paid off my 3 maxed out credit cards. By age 23 I achieved that goal and am doing much better. As time goes on I do backslide or 'fall off the wagon' from time to time. I recently had a bout of regression and then the bill came to bring me back to my senses. Some people eat, I shop. Sigh.

Anyway, I do feel better after a mini shopping spree this morning. I kept it simple, I went to Costco and bought some various snacks for the daycare. Somehow, such a simple thing, even though necessary, helped me feel better. Going through the isles' looking at things, thinking about what to choose and then making the choices is what does it for me. It's when I go for the frivolous purchases I get into trouble. I am lucky to have a hubby who doesn't freak out (too much) and is supportive and can reasonably talk me out of stuff. I believe it is rooted in the denial of getting stuff because we were so very, very poor when growing up. It will be a struggle all my life. Budgeting is not my forte but I am getting better.

Frustration

I hate divorce. It brings out the worst in people. When I was a nanny, I lived with a couple who seemed on a fast track to divorce-land. It made life pretty uncomfortable when they were home and eventually led to me leaving (I still miss those kids so much). It took them a couple more years to actually get to it. Anyway, I currently have in my home based daycare a little girl with parents that had their divorce finalized a couple of weeks ago. She has never been one to follow directions and I sometimes wondered if she may have been developmentally delayed because of it or maybe even a little deaf or she just out right would just ignore me. Well this morning I put this 18 month old little girl in time out (for the first time) for tearing a page out of a story book. I was in my room at the time of the incident because I was finishing getting ready for the day. I could hear something was going on and her brother told me what happened. I asked her to come over to me twice and then had to go to her and firmly take her by the hand to lead her over to the corner. Her older brother (an 8 year old) seemed visibly upset that his baby sister was crying so hard. Her brother tried to hug her as I put her in time out to comfort her. I wouldn't let him and told him she has to learn that she cannot do whatever she wants and get a hug for it. He then told me she gets to do what she wants at their house and doesn't get in trouble and if she cries and they give her whatever she wants. I have witnessed their mother giving in too (I think she is a good mom but has no heart for discipline) She stood in time out for no more than one minute and then I asked her to come over to me. This time she did. I was down at her level and looked her in the eyes and explained to her that she should not rip pages out of books and she should come to me when I ask her to and that is why she was in time out. Then I asked her to tell me sorry-she doesn't talk clearly all the time yet so she leaned over to me and gave me a big hug. My heart melted and I told her she was a good girl but shouldn't do that sort of stuff. Her brother stilled seemed very upset so I told him that he could then hug her. She went to him and sniffed a lot and then came back to me for another hug and then sat with him until he had to leave for school. He was so sweet with her -hugging and kissing her and singing a Bob Marley song to her. I told him he was being a good big brother. When her mom came to pick her up I told her about putting baby girl in time out and mom said she had had to do the same a couple of times already also recently. ( at the time of pick up I couldn't remember details because it was just another part of the day) After all the kids were gone I was cleaning up the living room and came across the torn book and then remember what happened in further detail. I am frustrated because it seems the big brother told his mom and former step-father, father to baby sister,that I picked her up by the hand off the ground and tossed her into the corner and made her cry.Oh geez. Exaggerate much? So then her dad comes over this evening to talk to me about it. I am fine with parents coming over to voice their concerns. I actually welcome it because I feel it is good to get feedback from parents so they can learn and I can learn how to best teach, guide and care for their child so that everyone is happy. I told him as much and offered to call him if he wanted to let him know when discipline and stuff happens and he told me that wouldn't be necessary (he also expressed that he felt she is too young for any form of discipline and I told him I disagreed and told him it was the first time I had put her in time out), that he would just talk to her mother about things. What bothers me is it seemed that big brother overreacted and then I am accused of some form of abuse... or is dad looking for a way to get at mom for leaving him? I have no idea. By the end of my conversation with the dad I felt he understood my side and he said step-son did have a way of making more of things than they really are which irritated me with him and the boy but he's only 8...right? So, I am frustrated. Anyway, I just needed to vent so I am writing it out.

I totally love the kids in my daycare. I may use a firm voice but I would not do something to harm those kids....

Well, as I was typing this the little baby girl's grandpa just called (mother's father). Apparently I will no longer be caring for little girl. He asked for next week's payment back but I told him no because I was not given 2 weeks notice. It is in the policies I give parents (that they sign) that I don't give refunds. The dad gave the mom a very hard time tonight about what happened. Perhaps this is for the best. Too bad the mom couldn't talk to me herself. She probably feels bad about the situation. I am sure she is the type that feels uncomfortable with any form of confrontation. I was proud of her for standing up to her overbearing husband and divorcing him. He mistreated her and her son and coddled the little girl.

Oh well. Life moves on. After writing this all out I feel calm and saddened at the turn out but okay with it. May they all be blessed with a brighter future.