Oddly enough, through this lonely road of exploration, I always felt there was a God, he loved me, and I continued to pray daily to Him. I felt His Spirit here and there. Then one day, I couldn't feel His presence in my life at all. I knew I had hit rock bottom. I wasn't wild (i.e. into drugs or drinking or those types of things). I just was into what I wanted not what He did. I felt the loss of Him in my life so poignantly, it made me ache inside. The loss of the Spirit is a place I never, ever plan to let myself be again.
At that point, in tears, I turned to a local Institute teacher for guidance. He gave me the advice to go have a talk with my Bishop to receive the guidance and instruction needed to get my life, my heart, and my spirit in tune with the Lord. I followed his wise advice and began a process of repentance I have never regretted.
My bishop asked me to follow all the pat sunday school answers: read the scriptures, sincerely pray through out each day, make friends with those that share the values I aspired to live, read good books, attend church meetings, etc. I had a hard time with the going to church thing because I felt so different from everyone there. So I started with reading the scriptures. I had never read the Book of Mormon from cover to cover before. I began reading a verse a day and then felt like my spirit was starving for what was within the pages of the Book of Mormon. I then not just feasted, but devoured the words. I let them sink into my mind and envelop my aching soul. The words within its pages, the stories, the guidance and insight were a balm to my broken and contrite spirit. I found healing and a new found respect for myself. I began reading it aloud with my grandmother so I could share this new found joy with someone I loved. We fell in love with the Book of Mormon together. I cherish those precious days with my Nonna. I may have already been a member of the church but I was finally a convert. My Nonna also become one but in the more literal sense and was baptized at the age of 71. I also began to study the New Testament and became more familiar with our Savior's teachings in both the Book of Mormon and the Bible. I could see so clearly how they complement and support each other as works of scripture and testaments of our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and his teachings to all people. I felt His and our Heavenly Father's love working in my life. I felt a return of the Holy Spirit. My heart began to fill with true joy and peace. The void, the chasm was filled with God's light and love; So much so, it was over flowing and I felt compelled to share it with others and chose to serve a full time mission.
Sure I have struggled with trials and temptations since that period of conversion but there is nothing the world has to offer that can even compare to the greatness of God's approval and comfort. I know God lives. He loves me. He loves you. We are His beloved children. He wants to fill our lives and hearts with His love and guidance. All we need do is turn to Him.
It can all start with:
"I Nephi, having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father; and having seen many afflictions in the course of my days, nevertheless, having been highly favored of the Lord in all my days; yea, having had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God, therefore I make a record of my proceedings in my days."
-The First Book of Nephi : Chapter One-Verse One, The Book of Mormon
picture of you from last year and now, how have you changed since then?: